CAPERNOITED

010912

Day 9/366

I ate up my pride last night by sending her a goodnight message at midnight. I waited for a minute.. 2 minutes, to four, to ten, til 20 minutes passed and I haven't received any response. It's either she's already sleeping or maybe, she's wide awake but doesn't want to talk to me. I just slept, believing the I could sleep the pain away.

Morning came when I saw my phone with a missed call from her at one in the morning. How I wished I waited that long but my eyes couldn't handle the tears anymore. I received a call from her before I went to take a bath. She told me she was sorry, and as she was saying it, it literally broke my heart into pieces. It was the sincerest sorry I have ever heard yet in my entire life. As much as I really wanted to talk to her some more, my heart and mind was arguing but finally, I told her I still don't wanna talk.

During my classes, I couldn't concentrate since I was really bothered I haven't studied anything the past night. My love life's preoccupying my school life already; which I really don't want to since I can't manage to handle them. Besides, if my parents knew that I have failing grades, I would surely be sent out not only the school but our home. I'm still hanging on.

During my Filipino class, our professor told us to compose any song composed of 4 verses (including the chorus), put up tune on it and sing it in front of the class. I admit; I am good at making up tunes but I am not really fond of composing songs especially if I do not feel like composing one. But since my mind is preoccupied with different thoughts yesterday, I composed something for her and I bet if I put tune on it, it'll be a hit. Lol. But yeah, I guess it was really that good. Actually, it sounds like a song for love making (or some sort). I have been dying to make one and play it on our honeymoon. So much for that..

My classes ended early in the afternoon yet I didn't go home early because I was not in the mood. I even cried in school because of something! Fuck, it was really that hard.

I went home, heard something, saw something (that made me smile), and then here comes something. Yeah, all those things and that one. But the last one, yeah, it was really heartbreaking.

Tears are starting to fall right now so I guess I have to stop here.

Mondays are really awful and not-the-best-part of the week, yeah?

I.


Halika dito sinta
Tatanggalin ko ang lungkot sa iyong mga mata
Ipaparanas ko ang sandaling di mo malilimutan
At bukas, paggising mo'y wala kang pagsisisihan


II.


Umuulan pa sa labas at sobrang lamig
Pakinggan mo ang himig mula sa pumapatak na tubig
Tiyak na matatanggal ang lungkot pag sumabay ka lang sa daloy
Makinig ka lang sa akin at tayo'y magpapatuloy


III.


Habang tumatagal unti-unti kang sasaya
Medyo mahaba din kasi ang oras na ating inaksaya
Inaantok ka na ba? Kunin mo ang kumot at unan
Tumayo ako para ang pinto ay aking sasarhan
Di ko namalayan, ako pala'y iyong nasundan
Sa pagharap ko, tayong dalawa'y nagkahalikan


Chorus:


At sa aking tabi
Ikaw ay makapiling
Sa paglubog ng araw
Dahil habang buong gabi
Tayo'y magkasiping
Sa pagpatay ng ilaw


Lungkot ay 'yong malilimutan
Sa pagpatay ng ilaw..

This was a song I made for her yesterday during my Filipino class. I haven't put any tune to it yet since I am not yet inspired to make one. I hope I could finish this song and let her listen to this hopefully, one of these days.

010812

Day 8/366

I started this Sunday with a prayer; a prayer which asks God if He would guide me throughout the day. I went to church with my parents and later on, we hang out with my cousins in their residence. Damn, they cooked (or maybe baked) leche flan for us! I have been craving leche flan for almost months already. I, together with my cousins, went to grocery after eating lots of leche flan. It was a leche flan overload!

I am happy, knowing that I obeyed my hunger today, yet, I am hungry for something. Orayt. Someone. Words cannot describe the confusion I am going through right now. I decided to open up my notes instead of just waiting and waiting and waiting for something I couldn't really have at the moment. Yet, opening those notes really did nothing good since I haven't absorbed anything I read. And oh, my notes are wet. Fickery fuck fuck.

As much as I want to be happy and just forget about it, I just couldn't. Srsly. I shouldnt waste my time here and should doze off to sleep now, I still have heaps of exams tomorrow yet I learned nothing tonight but to break down and cry.

And to you, have a good night's rest.

Labels: project 366

Hah. Not JUST my choice, actually. If you would've stopped me or what, kaso di mo kayang gawin 'yung mga bagay na kaya kong gawin just for love, just for us to last.

I have 3 exams tomorrow and I haven't studied anything yet. There's something wrong with my body; or maybe something's wrong with me. Idk. I should know by now.

I have to study and never worry about things like this. I wont bury myself with this pain I am feeling right now.

*sigh*

All is well. I should start now.

Woah there!

Hindi ko na alam kung anong mararamdaman ko. Sa dami ba naman ng pinoproblema ko't wala pa kong nakikitang solusyon, eto na naman, meron na namang dumating. Bakiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit? Calm yo titz naman. Isa isa lang, please. Tao din ako, napapagod din akong umintindi.

Sigurado akong hindi kita pinagpalit sa mga kaibigan ko, wala akong sinasabing ganon at kelan man eh hindi ko gagawin 'yon. Nakakapagod kasi yung pinipilit mo yung mga bagay na wala ka namang alam kung totoo ba o hindi. I owe you a lot, hindi ko sasayangin 'yon cos tayo tayo nalang din ang magkaramay sa lahat ng bagay. I know you have your friends and I also have mine, but that doesn't mean na kelangan natin pag dudahan ang isa't isa. Nakakapagod din kasing umintindi, tao din ako, at mahal na mahal kita. Kung ikaw ba ako, hindi ka ba mapapagod na mag explain ng mag explain at mag bigay ng assurance kung sa paulit ulit ko naman na pagbibigay assurance eh paulit ulit ka ding di naniniwala. Para san pa ba yung pag eexplain ko sayo, para san pa?! Alam ko ang pinagdaanan mo dati, alam na alam ko yon dahil kinwento mo sakin and I swear to God above, I will never be like that guy whom you dumped just because he's gay. And that's why I'm giving you so much of my understanding and assurance para hindi ka na maging paranoid sa mga bagay bagay.

I don't know but simula ngayon, ayoko na magbigay ng assurance total you have your own mind and brain at ikaw na mismo ang nagiisip, ikaw na. Pinangungunahan mo na nga ko kahit wala pa kong sinasabi. Yes, ikaw. Ikaw na mismo ang di naniniwala sakin.

I can't blame you if you get too paranoid but if you're still paranoid after I my explanations, well I should blame you if you act that way. I think I should also have the right and deserve your trust in return. But what do I get after everything? Pagdududa? WTH.

Di ako nagkulang sa assurance, I gave you everything.. but tao din ako.

Napapagod.

010712

Day 7/366

It's a Saturday and I woke up late due to the headache I felt last night. I woke up because my right foot was hanging in my bed and Plumkie was playing with my toes, licking it one by one. Sweet.

Our house is still under construction and my parents, particularly my Dad, needs to paint it since the one we paid for painting isn't around. My Dad can't work alone so I had to help him. After almost 4 hours of painting, I felt nothing but pain in my armpit. It's like it was scratched with blade or scissors or something really sharp.

Talked to my baby at night until 2 and a half in the morning, but as usual, she was the one who slept first and I think that's an achievement.